Johann Low

月曜日, 5月 29, 2006

[despondent]

I think being despondent is a gd way of life. Things are so quiet, so peaceful just the way I like. Days are like going to work (provided nothing crops up in my head hehe =X), lunch,home,dinner,tv,internet. Besides the working part, things are kinda calm and peaceful. Nothing much to worry abt, no unpredictable moods, no pms shit, no guessing of what-is-she-thinking crap.

Walking back home for the past few days is walking on the concrete path with a bag housing 2 buns (sometimes, for my supper), my head up looking at the clear (recently) dark skies peering at the stars, wondering how far they are, there's a light which caught my eye it is not blinking like the rest.I suppose it is a planet? Anyway I have been wishing for a telescope for me to look at the stars hahaha...

Upon reaching home, it will be TV,dinner. How slack can life get right? Life is short, what matters most is to be happy,contented, free and easy. Is there a need to strive for a million dollars? Is there a need to own a bigger house? Is there a need to drive a bigger car? All these things are NOTHING, honestly to me they are. I absolutely loathe it when I get people harping their fucking goals, their aims in life whatever. So even if anyone manage to have moutain loads of money, garages of sports cars, will that make u happier? Probably u will be so uptight abt losing ur fortune. To me, I have nothing, thus I have nothing to lose, nothing to hold on to, nothing to fear of losing.

Right, so I tendered last wk.Silly me even went to the extend of thinking what valid reasons to tell my director. Well she accepted with asking a fart. So I thought, oh well maybe she expected it..then i went back to do my work.

Then I popped into her office to ask something. She asked me if I found a job, I said no..then she asked me why I tender. So this lead to a lengthy discussion behind closed doors..next day boss came back and some of doubts were somewhat cleared. Anyway my resignation letter was tored up in front of me and I was asked to reconsider.

WAH FIRST TIME WAS ASKED TO RECONSIDER MY RESIGNATION LEH...knn when i was at that tour agency, my manager din even asked. Now I know, maybe he found me a threat. I picked up everything in like 2 months.

Anyway the pangs of quitting rose again this morning when shit came. Argh..well i kinda need the income to finance myself as well as paying for the laptop..guess i will take a step at a time. A friend is asking me to join cruiseliner ahhaha..sounds good!

elow at 9:22 午後 | (0) comments

月曜日, 5月 22, 2006

[exasperation]

Somehow, I felt exasperated and choked this week at work to a point where I really wanna quit. I dunno why but it is coming to 6 months and I do not feel I have the hang of my job yet. Thus I wondered, am I doing too many things? Frankly speaking this job seems to be the most 'exploitative' because I as one person is doing many things. Here's my jobscope. My position is as a operations executive but...

1) Shipping coordinator
2) Translator (from Jpn to English)
3) Designer
4) Marketing executive/Business Development

Yeah all these for less than 2k. In fact this pay is lesser than what I got when I was @ EBU. I was getting $1700 then for a mere admin position. I once did some calculation before. For all the above positions, I shld be getting like $8700+ a month. Obviously, my boss is saving HUGE amount of money. I dunno why but I got this feeling, he likes to compare our salaries with the salaries he is paying the Mainland Chinese if any of us were to negiotiate salary terms with him. He having a Masters in Statistics will make sure if he pays me $100 more, I need to input 1000 more hrs of work for him

So for less than 2k. I am expected to be on call 24/7. If not why am I 'given' a Blackberry? To me this is farking tracking device. Something for me so that I have no excuse in not being able to access company's mail. I am expected to call my Jpn agent if there's any urgent shit and I am supposed to email shld there be any urgent shit. Erm for a pathetic salary of less than 1.7k a month? I seem to be doing a manager's job but getting none of the respect and also 1/3 of the pay?

I posted this up in a forum and all of them said I am severely underpaid. Well, I know I am..but what do u expect from a local company? Until now, I am on the operations side. It is confirmed a matter of time when I will be put under the 'Profits Sharing' scheme. Well, my colleagues told me. If I am under such schemes, for business trips, I will have to pay my own tickets ( the air tickets charges will be deducted frm commission), every call I made to my clients will be charged to my account, every sample I courier to them will be deducted frm the commission. When I heard that, I was like WTF? U asked me to go overseas and I am expected to foot the air tickets?

There's also some 7% shit thing..7% of PO or profit? I have the feeling it is profit. Anyway,I was told that will be quite high (7% of PO)..but NO! Another colleague said that dun bet on it when u have a big order. My boss being a Statistics expert will shred as much as possible by coming up tonnes of whatever to cut ur share of the profit to the lowest. Anyway, I hate monthly sales target shit and I will definitely move on and fuck off when I am told to go on to "Profit Sharing". I wil tell them u can share my fart.

My boss has big plans, woah he has..but if a boss is so calculative to the bare dollars and cents. How big can the company grow? If a boss holds so much restraint to his sales staff, how well can they perform? If another boss tends to shoot demoralizing comments to her subordinates, how well can they perform? I was once told off, "U are not very busy anyway, so I dun expect this kinda mistake from u" That is really uncalled for. Such tactless comments dun reveal much depth anyway.

Well, see how. If I were to quit, I will quit cos I dun give a fuck.

elow at 12:56 午前 | (1) comments

日曜日, 5月 14, 2006

[something not too right]

I think something is not right, with me of course. Lately I cannot slp too well, not too sure if its the afternoon naps. As usual the 'not-myself' shit went spinning inside my head rendering me to wonder who am I, what am I,where am I etc etc. My temper is a rollercoaster ride. I can be emotionally dead at times and I can blow up like a volcano at the slightest prick. Last night a friend tested my patience. Recently I dunno what happened to him going bonkers abt making money, making me almost impossible to recognise him anymore. Every damm word from his mouth is $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$.

Wah lao, the last thing I need is having someone to tell me how shld i run my finances. I know the importance of money. I KNOW IT TOO WELL. I dun need anyone to harp on his financial whatever he is in, how to overcome his problems, his ambitions,how i shld be ambitious,how my friends are ambitious,their plans, their goals,their condos,their cars,their achievements. DO I LOOK LIKE I GIVE A FUCK?! Whatever they do, whatever their accomplishments, what does they gotta do with me? If they earn 1 million dollars, do they give me $1k outta it? Then why shld I give a fuck on what they do,they did and what they will be doing?

I appreciate the concern but dun harp non-stop. It is simply a pain the ass. Period.

Ah, things will revert back to slight normality. Idleness is the devil's workshop. How true how true. Anyway, I think i will be going to Jpn soon for biz trip. Oh yeah I just got Jolin Tsai 舞嬢. The MV is GOOD!!!!

yeah~

elow at 11:35 午後 | (0) comments

日曜日, 5月 07, 2006

[Why now?]

It has been what, 9 months since I am a single. Strangely enough, for the past month or so I am feeling rather weirdly. As much as I am beginning to enjoy my 'new' found freedom, my heart occasionally yearns for someone of the past (sub-conciously), someone whom I was with for 3yrs+. It is often at sleep or at the brim of awakening will the floods of remorse, regrets and bunch of unsettled feelings come. And when they come, they really leave some bad aftertaste behind.

Well all these never actually happened when it just ended that time. So why now? I am honestly bewildered. Maybe I over-supressed myself during that initial period. Maybe little by little, it began to sip into me. The movies we watched, the places we been to, the things we talked, the bus trips we took.. What's best is the 1st movie we watched on 5th July 2002, Scooby-Doo is being shown on tv tonight. Anyway, I kept reminding myself, "I told myself, let bygones be bygones."

Sometimes I do not know what I am doing. I did things outta blue, like suddenly asking a gal on the streets for her name. That is totally crazy. Not that I am regretting but it is just not me. What happened? What happened?? What happened??? I often asked myself. A part of me (and my mum,whenever she feels inspired) tells me, 'hey go find some nice gal and settle down LAH' while a part says 'look at urself, what have u got? No part of u is suitable for any gal be it ur character or whatever etc etc etc' Anyway I am convinced the latter proves to more worthy the reason why I shld stay single for now and maybe for long.

This is not abt wallowing in self-pity. But I think doing so will be sparing myself (and others) some heartaches,headaches,anxiety and more. Simply put, I cannot be bothered or neither do I want to be bothered with 'trivals' like r/s and its 'freebies'. Why? Some may ask..Whenever I see young couples, I will ask myself, how long will they last? I have seen r/s comes and goes like that even for those which seem to be able to last 'forever'. Who can gurantee it will last? Even if u are married, this proves nothing in today's society.

True, I envy couples who are already married at ard my age. I admire them to be able to commit themselves so much (emotionally,financially,physically), I envy because they have met and found that special someone worth that commitment.

So now I distract myself with gadgets, like PSP,new phone,laptop..

Jus to share something which I really like, I even put this up on the partition at my desk during my NS days.:

This place is not my home,
I am just a passing through.
My treasures are tied up,
Somewhere beyond the blue.
The angels beckon me,
From Heaven's open doors
And I cannot feel at home,
In this world anymore.

elow at 11:29 午後 | (0) comments

[Birthday cake]

Took the pic of the birthday cake bought by my friends with my 904T last Mon.

elow at 5:35 午後 | (0) comments

土曜日, 5月 06, 2006

[crazy shit]

I did the most crazy shit I ever did in my 26 yrs. I actually asked a gal for her name. Oke, so I saw this gal. God, she took my breathe away...anyway we alighted at the same place and I asked for her name. She politely smiled and shook her head. haha..woot..Well better than she snuffed and walked away,right? haha..U know some gals. Dunno what got over me that night. This is prb the first and last time I will ever do that. Some of my friends were surprised/shocked at what I did, cos I am and was never the type of guy who would boldly ask for a gal's name like that (on the streets). Well, I guess the thing is, I tried. 1st time in my 26 yrs. D:

*CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP*

If i ever meet her again, I think i will apologise for startling her provided she dun run away first. WHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Well I think this is quite in contrast to one of my earlier entries. Surprise surprise. I surprised myself with that stupid gesture. Looking back, I guess I am the type of guy who is to selfish and self centered. I probably love myself than anyone else. I think it is hard to be in an equalibrium, that perfect state of balancing loving urself and loving that someone. Can anyone do that anyway? I like things are now. Being totally liberated,untied,unattached,free. One night, while reminisce-ding, I realise I wil probably hurt that someone more than being able to love her duly. I can give selflessly, as proved by myself once. But if I get nothing in return, what I will get is just a battered soul. One's character is something that is hard to change, I prefer to have my own private time MOST of the time. As much as I loathe lonliness at times, I do like to be left alone at times.

So I think God will be good enough to spare His good daughters from someone like me.

elow at 11:08 午前 | (0) comments

火曜日, 5月 02, 2006

[Pinic / belated BD celebration]

It is rare that I have people celebrating my BD cos my impression since young is, no one ever did. The 1st celebration was probably when i was 1 yr old. Other than that, pri sch, sec sch none. During poly days i had a few close classmates who made the kind and deeply appreciated effort to make this date memorable, no matter how the celebration was, no matter if there were any presents.

So today, a few of my ex poly classmates/friends were out celebrating. We went to Marina. My friend and I were late cos I was too engrossed in bargaining a good price and also having a hard time deciding on my purchase of PSP. Very sorry to all. My friend brought fried beehoon, thanks to his mum. It is homecooked fried beehoon with eggs,cabbage and carrots shreds. As what homecooked meals shld be, it has a homely taste. A taste which no matter how many plates u ate, u will not feel 'sick'. I dunno how to put into good words but this is what i can do.

We trotted on the soft fields for awhile before managing to find a more suitable spot to eat. We had some simple games before the darkened skies prompted us to move to sheltered areas. We finally had the cake (black forest) at a arcade area. Later, my friends went into one of the arcade to play while i watched them play. I never felt comfortable playing in arcades haha. It was already drizzling by then.

Anyway, I bought my psp. Was having some problems with the WLAN setup and I struggled with it for almost 2 hours. Why it could not work in the 1st place? Well becos :

1) I never read the manual properly, nor did it properly document.

2) I never turn on the switch for it to connect to WLAN. -.-

Conclusion = I win...

Anyway I got myself a nice cute game called rockman rockman. I wanted to get Rockman Irregular Hunter, but the shop does not have the Jpn version, which happens to be more exp. I also overshot my budget a little. Gg to be poor for the next few months. 2 of my gamer friends, esp one of them disliked PSP. To me, PSP is a different genere of games. The games are generally cute and really meant for portable fun. Hope i will make gd use of the new psp for the wkends hahaha..

elow at 12:48 午前 | (0) comments