Have u ever felt that u are a nobody? That u are simply a speck of dust lingering on a planet. The Bible always say we all exist for a purpose. I see myself exist for nothing. Have u ever felt so void, so lifeless, so empty, so dry, so depleted,so cold and so hollow that the slightest breeze can disperse u to smithereens? Have u ever felt that NOTHING matter anymore? Honestly to me now, nothing else matters anymore. I do not know when this 'thing' begin to manifest itself in me. I dun care abt myself, I dun care and I simply dun care. Sometimes work and the hustle and bustle of working life help to suppress this 'thing' but no matter how, its whirly tentacles still manage to seek out crevices and take root in every possible way, slowly draining whatever sanity is left. I tried to find myself in worlds of digits, lights, clockwords,wires,lcds, Moore's Law and facades and instant messaging. Yet this vaccum grows, sometimes I can feel it, sometimes I cannot. But it is definitely there. If I tell the above to Christians, they will tell me only God can fill up this whatever emptiness. I am a Christian, I KNOW. so dun tell me what I already know. Then yet why do I feel this way?
Aye this yr's dinner is not quite a good one. Not the dishes but my nose is blocked and I cannot relish the true taste of them..haiz..anyway here's what I had. hehe.
Departing : Singapore Sun 12 Feb 2006 0120 HRS!!!!! Departing: Beijing Thu 16 Feb 2355HRS!!!! Wah biang win liao loh, all mid-night flights. Skali Fri need to come back to work at 8.30am. -.- And I have not bought my winter wear. From my weather widget, it is ard 0-10 deg C there. At night it will drop to -degrees Celsius. Wah die, so cold...I cannot stand 17 degrees C oredi, how to tahan 0-10?? Anyway, I probably wrapped like a over-stuffed rice dumpling. I think I will very much appreciate the sun when I come back. Oh...my digicam is not working, guess I have to settle with my Samsung D600 2MP cam. I also might need to get a wall socket adaptor for China. Boss told me that the voltage is the same as SG except for the wall sockets. So what can i buy from China? Tee shirts, jeans, bags? I still cannot rub off that image of going China means coming back with packets of herbs. But since it is Beijing, I am sure there are nice shopping centres ard. Just wondering if we ever have the time to look ard. I somewat prefer Shanghai though. Anyway, work is oke. A few minor hiccups here and there. I was assigned a new project which is to come up with a E portal for ordering the aquaculture cages. For the single net cages (scallops,oysters rearing) it is quite simple. But for the multi-storey cages, it is a whole different story. My diagram on paper looks more intimidating than the chunk of numbers and specifications of the cages. Uni is starting really soon. My 1st lesson is postphoned! WTF. And it wil postphoned until the 25th? smlj.
Arriving : Beijing Sun 12 Feb 0720 hrs....
Flight : SQ812 Eco Class
Arriving: Singapore Fri 17, 0625HRS
Flight: SQ821 Eco Class
WARNING: The below passage refers to some people only, if u feel offended in anyway, it goes to show u might be one of them. It is one of those days when I am engrossed in my own opinions which might get too extreme. I realise there is something fundamentally twisted with most NUS/NTU/Uni women in Singapore. From personal encounters, I realise most think too highly of themselves. Well i know it is normal for women and men to have some expectations of their future spouses but some really...ahha.. Some Uni gals have a warped sense of reality. Since they are in Uni, they 'probably' think they are the 'best' so they deserve the 'best' as well. Well i think this is still the general perception of most locals. Uni=elites. Right, so some are very uptight, since they think they are such hotties, they will think every single man who talks to them wanna get into their panties. They tend to get abit paranoid and start to see men ( or those of 'lower breeds' ) as unwanted attention. I am sure they want SOME men's attention but not all la. It is like, they want and they dun want, so wtf they want? Did JCs and Uni thwart their common sensibility or their ability to think normally? I mean no offence to Uni and JCs people. I studied 3 months in JC myself and will be going to SIM soon. But I think too much books is not too good a thing sometimes. I mean it is so ludicrous, can't a man and a woman be just friends and nothing more? Ok maybe good friends. Or is it they think, they can only be good friends with local UNIVERISITY ( and above) men and 'anything' below this 'grade' is probably someone who wanna get into their panties? How amiable...... Yet some of these social self proclaimed elites think and feel that local men CMI (can't make it). When they expect to live in posh condos, bathe in red wine and milk, be chauffered ard in posh cars etc. Oh yeah, there is one thread in a forum where this gal was complaining that her date was a bad one. She met this hot Eurasian and this guy got her contact and was sms-sing her daily. When they got on a date, she was lamenting that this guy dun drive, his family dun drive and he expected her to pay for his meals,(oke i think this is not too gentlemanly), he is boring, cannot sweet talk and make her feel like a princcess. I am not steroptyping but this goes to show how pathetically materialistic and superficial some women can get. Such women shld take a pee and look at themselves. Some really dunno how their brains might be smaller than their clitoris when hiding under the hood. Still, I am a normal man and I like gals ONLY. I know some very nice and simple gals. BUT for the rest, they shld do the above, unless they are hot like Fiona Xie.
Work is a bloody mess. The whole chunk of whatever specification jargon is not cleared. Changes and changes and now fingers seem to be pointing at my company/me that things are not going on as smoothly. haha wtf. Well the main problem I feel is that the Jpn agent is new + I am new as well. 2 newbies doing some work which they are unfamilar with and something which is so specific. Doubling as the 'designer' is not fun. Sometimes my colleagues will pop out of nowhere to ask me to change this and change that. I am not designing no shit anyway since I did not input an ounce of my creativitity into the designs. I merely 'just did it' Well perhaps I did abit of research on how the labels shld look like..and they are very mac like hwhahahaha. wonder I can show. Of cos I tried my best and I am not using Photoshop. Luckily there's this opensource PS like prgm called GIMP. Excellent piece of prgm esp when it is a free and legal download. I worked until quite late (in my standards) twice ever since I stepped into my company. As much I do not really enjoy OT-ing, I quite enjoy the ride home in a cab. The feeling of being driven ard is ever so refreshing at a price of cos. I enjoy seeing the cars whizzing by. I enjoy the radio no matter what station it is churning out the tracks on the air waves. I enjoy the cooling gushes of cold air from the air-conditioners. There is a distinctive scent of air-conditioned air which i find addictive. It all boils down to me relishing the serenity, relaxation and comfort of me travelling in a cab. Well not only this, I also like to stand at the door or windows on a cool and quiet night esp nights after a heavy downpour. Perhaps it is the moment of serenity and peace which impedes me from moving away. I can stand there motionless like a crimped up prune trying to absorb as much of the essence as possible. Such stillness are like epithets of the peace I always long for. Perhaps? I will be collecting my UniSIM study materials tml!!! wohooo and im taking half-day. hehe
Do u have moments when u are so high up excited abt something then suddenly ur mood just plummet down the tunnel like a 10 tonne rock? I have no idea what is this called. anti-climax seems to be not really appropriate. The weekend ended yet again. Another cycle begins when the clock struck 12.00am. Another week of hustle and bustle, people getting up with a dead face to look forward a long working week. The only thing I am looking forward for is the coming Chinese New Yr and the ang pao of cos. Honestly there is really nothing worth looking forward for if there's no holidays for u to laze at home and enjoy the simple joy of bumming, doing nothing, fretting over what to do when the best thing is to do nothing? hahaha.. I self-collected my long waited Hamasaki Ayumi's latest album (read: JAPANESE IMPORT) on Fri @ Singpost Center. It arrived onto our sunny island on Thurs but there's no one at home when the deliveryman came. I have not touched a authentic Japanese CD for sometime. The feel is great, the plastic is different. The packaging is slightly different. I used to HATE those cheap imports cos the covers on some of them really sux. Until recently, some still look pretty much the same as the original Jpn version. Some are totally the same except for minor prints. Fwah this album is good man! The accompanying DVD is great. Ayumi looked so pretty in her MVs..she looked so flawless so perfect so gloss so bright so surreal so picture perfect. I love most of the songs except for the 1st track Bold and Delicious. I have not familarised with the songs cos I not really listened to them enough. In fact for her previous album I listened even less. haha..but that was cheap. Arrgh I wan CNY. I want to open all the CNY's goodies and pig out. I want the ang paos! I wanna slp late and wake up late!
Ever since blogging gets the limelight since 2XXXX. Anyone without a blog seems 'outdated'. Have anyone ever wondered before the word 'blog' ever was a common word among young people, there ARE already similar online diaries such as freeopendiary,live journal, xanga and some others? I started out on freeopendiary which was known as opendiary then. I still maintain that account although certain portions of it were deleted cos the servers got severely hacked once. Then I went on to livejournal as well as xanga. But maintaining more than one online diary/journal is a tiresome affair, so now I stick to 2. Blogging is of such a pop culture. I guess alot of people will have started a blog for the sake of starting one, they will have a blog because their friends all have blogs, they will have a blog because it is the 'in' thing now. Indeed blogging has become a leeway for many people to voice out their thoughts and feelings. While some has voiced out undesirable and warped opinions resulting in legal suites. So why do u blog? Personally I feel blogging all kinda shit and publish it online reveals too much of urself. It makes one too 'human' and make one to be so 'imperfect'. All of us are imperfect but most of us will rather live in some fantasy, some ignorance is bliss sometimes. If a blogger's entries is all abt his/her fucked up life, almost every entry is complaints and complaints and complaints, what is ur impression of such a blogger? If a blogger blogs abt his/her everyday life from work to lunch to dinner to etc etc etc etc etc, will it seem so boring? Anyway, blogging is not as private as u might assume it is. Think of it, it is on the internet. how private can it get when billions of people are wired to each other? So why do u blog? sidetrack: vinegar is a mild disinfectant, so if u wanna have a cheap alternative to the refreshing lemon smell or lavander of some floor cleaning detergent, u can add some vinegar to water and use it for mopping. My entire home reeked of a sourish stench, thanks to my mum who added some vinegar (which i dun really appreciate the smell)
1) Do u blog because of the above mentioned?
2) Do u blog because u need to voice out whatever shit and good that has happened to u?
3) Do u blog to show off ur writing skills?
4) Do u blog because u need attention from virtual readers whose tags/comments u desired to see?
The stillness of a cool quiet night is VERY disturbing. As it is a cool night, I did not on the fan thus it is uber quiet. The stillness makes me feel so secluded amidst the four walls which surround me. I felt almost cut off. Internet jazz on my iTunes is not working well, so I have to on the radio to keep my ears working. If not all I can hear is the spinning fans in my mac and perhaps my own breathing. A friend told me some matters of she being mistaken by others. Gradually, it dawned upon me it is all politics. Politics - politics |?p?l??tiks| plural noun [usu. treated as sing. ] the activities associated with the governance of a country or other area, esp. the debate or conflict among individuals or parties having or hoping to achieve power : the Communist Party was a major force in French politics | thereafter he dropped out of active politics. ? the activities of governments concerning the political relations between countries : in the conduct of global politics, economic status must be backed by military capacity. ? the academic study of government and the state : [as adj. ] a politics lecturer. ? activities within an organization that are aimed at improving someone's status or position and are typically considered to be devious or divisive : yet another discussion of office politics and personalities. ? a particular set of political beliefs or principles : people do not buy this newspaper purely for its politics. ? (often the politics of) the assumptions or principles relating to or inherent in a sphere, theory, or thing, esp. when concerned with power and status in a society : the politics of gender. - Oxford Dictionary I felt a bit disheartened no doubt, even in a grp of seemingly friends, I see such acts. Rumours spread here and there, fingers started pointing, tongues started wagging. Is it the women or is it the men? I dun really comprehend, is there a need to start a fire for the sake of starting one? And then fuel and fan the smoke so that it spread and the smoke start choking the people ard it? Does it make one feel accomplished when u someone getting pointed at, accused at? Well perhaps this someone has been the bane of ur eye for sometime? I know there is office politics. People group up with some people. Departments grp up with some departments. It is so complicated. I seen some when I was working in larger organisations or rather with more co-workers in the department. It is disgusting. I dun understand a need for all this crap. It serves hardly any purpose at all. Putting up a delectable facade is so draining. What for? It left a bad aftertaste, does it not? It makes one to be treading on his/her toes, to be on guard and maybe to be scheming. Anyway I dun get myself involved in mindless office politics. I simply do my own work and go back on time. Anyway, I had a wonder sumptous dinner. Curry fish head!!! Ideal on a chilly day. After dinner, my mum and I went shopping for CNY's clothes. I got a new pair of jeans and 2 more tees on top of 1 more tee which i bought last Sat. whahaa..but i need more polo tees and plain shirts and a new wallet too. For that mysterious moo thank you so much for ur tag, it is a great encouragement. Pls kindly leave more tags. :P
Ever since the humongous NKF saga, charity on national tv has been given a bad taint which is quit evident in tonight's renci charity show. Even the weather is not cooperating. Frankly speaking, the method of inducing sympathy from the public by show casing poor patients and their affected families is getting a tad stale, in fact such a method still resonances so much of the shit of a mess NKF left behind, who will really wanna donate? I pity those m.corp artistes having to put up such a circus show just to raise funds. I am wondering if they can actually come up with something else. Gathering the artistes to perform stunts is just too 'proven'. It might work in the past but now..I believe it is more or less losing its effectivness in moving the audiences (esp the broadcasting of weeping mothers and such). I rem the 1st NKF charity in 1994. It was such a simple fare, only inviting famous HK singers to sing to raise funds. Now it has evolved into something so huge, it is almost like a national event. I am wondering if they really need so much funds, esp after that NHK saga. Back then I remembered vividly it was only $2, then slowly it escalated to $3 then $4 and now more and more. I actually loathe the fact that people are actually 'forced' into donating more and more, one will understand from the chu chu bi ren tone of that chao qitai. He was literally forcing people to make more phonecalls. Every word and 'plead' was laced with some tone of command and order. Donations is done out of good will, not to induce guilt, sympathy to line one's pockets. Terence Chao's "ni nen zai gan mah" is also laced with sarcasm. Personally I am quite skeptical abt donating to such major organisations no matter how transparent it might look on tv. Anyway, do rem while u are donating to this event only, there are also hordes of regular donors. That amt of money is enough to substain the organisations already, if not, do u think the organisation can survive for so long? Those people working there still draws a salary. Dun be so easily persuaded into dumping ur money away no matter how small this amt is. Charity for 2006 does not bode well. The NHF stench will not be so easily eroded. Even the stench might be neutralised, there is still a distinctive shit stain on the fabric of donations and charity and tv. Thanks to one man called dulan durian.
Ever since I got that oh-so-fresh taste of absolute freedom after being single and ditching whoever whatever were there, I see myself as being the likes of a wild horse being set free in the open grassland. Freedom is good no doubt but what abt when u have too much freedom? What I see is this abundance of limitless land in front of me and I dunno where to run to or even when to stop. I feel that there is NOTHING to stop me from doing what I want well except maybe from my own laziness which IS a stumbling block most of the time. I feel even more so (nothing can stop me) cos no one cares! I can do anything, I can well do anything I wan, spend anyway I want, eat anything I wan, go anywhere I wan. Sometimes I wish there is someone to hold a rein on me to prevent me from going completely outta control. As contradicting as it may sound, I desire freedom and yet desire some form of attention. I like to be alone and I like to be surrounded. I avoid going out to avoid seeing people, especially lovey dovey couples. It is an irksome sight. Well even if I see I will just laugh it off, telling myself how much happier I am being myself and me. How much better and easier it is to be dealing with myself than to put up with that someone's temperament, pityness and whatever. I find it stressful to watch that Kim Ng and Bryan Wong's 'Yuan Lai Jiu Shi Ni'. I on my music loud enough to muff the sounds of the show emitting from the tv set.I tell people in forums how much it is to be single, perhaps I am trying to convince myself as well? Yes? No? I am not even sure myself. Anyways, I was completely drained out last night after work. I felt as if there was a huge stake being impaled onto my chest. Currently, my attention is focused on Flairs Affairs, junk food like pringles, supper which is the sausage bread from Q-Talk, my new phone which I feel like changing already as dust keep going into the lcd, or any new gadget on the market which can catch my eye - ipod video. Wah lao it is so thin! Anyway that is on my list now hehehehe... Yawnz
2005 is not exactly a good yr for me. Many ups and downs. But it is over! 2006 has arrived and 2005 just whizzed by like a trail of light. 2005 Jan - started new job in a tour agency, things were looking good at first but nevertheless it did not really end well. I quitted my job after half a year. Anyway it is not easy to work with a Japanese. In fact it came upon me that it is not easy working at all! I kind of reflected on myself and that the job was not that bad afterall and I literally gave up a chance to actually improve on my Japanese. 2005 June - Managed to find a temp job at European Broadcasting Union as Office Administrator. This is the highest pay job I got since I started working in 2003. I wished it cld be a full time one but things did not turn out well. I did offer to learn abt doing satellite feeds coordination but well..It was also during this period where my r/s with my ex plunged rock bottom. I started to get more or maybe too involved in flowerpod and got to know more friends and other people there. 2005 August - Broke up officially on the 37th month over msn. She initiated it. The feeling was NOT good. Anyway soon after I focused onto someone else, mayb I was running away from the wound of a failed r/s. It was a bad choice to 'focus' onto someone else when ur own wound has not even been closed. This was the period where my emotions went on a rollercoaster ride. Ups and downs ups and downs. My dear podder friends probably got the worst lashing from me during this period. haha but I was glad they gave me the emotional support which I needed badly. Things ended sometime in late September. It was also quite a down period but nevertheless, I got over it. hehe. I also got to know more younger podders friends and we hang out for a few times. I missed the 'singles outings' haha cos it was such a joy just hanging out with them. I missed the paper steam boats, the ktv sessions. As all good things will come to an end, it ended before it can really take off. 2005 late Sept - Jobless, slacking at home. In healing mode and trying to get over someone. hehe. 2005 Oct - Nov - Jobless still. Interviews were not successful 2005 mid Nov - Accepted my present job 2005 late Nov - Dec - Someone from the past 'reappeared' I was silly enough to be 'hopeful' until her sis told me with a more straighforward answer. Back to the old,single and carefree me. As for 2006, I am looking forward to my PT Uni studies, getting JLPT 2 at the end of this yr. I think I will be too busy with both work and studies until 2008? hahahahaha... My boss also told me that I 'will' be going to China for a business trip with him of cos la. Hopefull I have the chance to visit Japan too!
[I Love]
God, church of our saviour, food,animation,photography,games, Jpn culture, pretty gals, high-tech gadgets, comics, Gundam models, layered hair, plucked eyebrows, mascara, blusher, Mika Nakashima,Ayumi Hamasaki, Namie Amuro, Sun Yanzi, Jay Chou, David Tao, Faye Wong, F.I.R, Flowerpod, Yoon Eun Hye,Fiona Xie, Lin Zhi Ling, Yoon Eun Hye
[I Abhore]
hypocrisy, injustice, shallowness, materialism, lies.
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