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火曜日, 6月 27, 2006

[back to work]

this wk is supposed to be last official week of work @ my current comp. Guess what, last Fri my bosses offered me a 'package'- an increment of $300.Haiz, so my weekends was spent on contemplating whether to take up this offer. It was 'hell' cos I am someone who has problem making up his mind. There are 2 voices inside. One angel and one devil as usually depicted by cartoons.

Mr Angel says " take up the offer" and began to list down the pros. Mr Devil told me to reject it and also began to list down the 'pros' Both sounded equally convincing, haha..anyway I decided to take up e offer.

Now there's another 'problem'. I was asked if i cld go visit the China factory. Obviously I cld not due to my own reasons. But i was asked to reconsider. Haiz, I hate to think cos sometimes or many a time i tend to think too much. Anyway for the past wkends, my mind was rather filled up of whether to do or not to do.

I dunno what the $300 increment will translate into. I had friends saying their a few hundreds bucks increment translated into daily OTs and other shit. How mine will go, let's wait n see haha..

I got an idea for a love novel. I dunno if i shld start writing it in my blog. =D I love to write, cos it is an method of self expression. Putting things into words is fun to me. Guess I love to write since i was in pri sch cos i like to have my essays to be pinned up and read out to class. ahhaha..

I dunno if anyone has this kinda struggle. I always feel there is a struggle/tug of war inside me, as in the case of Mr Devil and Mr Angel, to do or not to do. It is so draining. To speak of which, depression seems to hit me rather badly for a certain stretch of time, the self despondent period is a good example. It comes in waves, rather like an orgasm or labour pain. Sometimes the waves hit badly, sometimes mild..

I act differently when it hits, I think differently and possibly looks different too.I behave differently too. People who nv had this before prob wun understand. I have a old online friend..who seems to have the same traits. Honestly, I understand it too well. The devil and the angel..i wonder if they know, when they struggle, what is being torn n stretch is the soul of the victim.

elow at 12:43 午前 | (0) comments


水曜日, 6月 21, 2006

[history repeats itself?]

this is kinda disturbing..at ard the same period as last yr, i was quite active in FP forums and its chatroom. This yr again, I am beginning to get more active again in the chatroom. Things happened again, I got to know some chatting chums. Last night we chatted on msn and even showed our pics. I can't help it but think back of the scenario last yr. It was almost the same.

Chatroom > MSN >>>> meet up >>???

Last yr i was too naive in believing some people, of which some are from the chatroom. They appeared nice and friendly yet they gossipped and talked back at u, almost everything of u. I wonder if the current chatroom chats will escalate to meetups and then same thing happen again? The backstabbing and whatever? Oh like i care.

Surprisingly enuff, i can choose to ignore alot of things these days. I can choose to let go of something, let go of some unhappiness or anything, just about anything. In other words, I can choose to just heck care abt almost anything! It is amazing!! I seem to have complete control my 'emotions' When I feel my blood boiling I can choose to ignore it (sometimes) cos i know there is no pt in doing so. But my skills are not so up to par yet la..i still feel the heat sometimes.

When someone like me who used to be able to feel the tiniest emotion over something now has managed to hone a much needed skill, that is to turn a blind eye to almost anything. To practise almost absolute ignorance or 'bochap-ness', hwhahhaha to be numb against anything. to learn not to hope for the impossible, to learn to see and appreciate dreams as dreams...to live life as contented as now and not worrying. To live life having all the time to urself, urself and urself.

Ain't that great?

elow at 12:25 午前 | (0) comments


日曜日, 6月 18, 2006

[dreams are beautiful]

This is another of those warped entries.

I think dreams are beautiful because they are well, dreams. Something which is unattainable is something beautiful, dun u think so? Some people have big dreams, like having 10 million dollars by a certain age..well some have others goals. To me, a dream will be a dream. What's the point of realising them?Then u will need to seek another dream or to realise another.Is not nice to keep a dream as a dream and to keep it beautiful? If u realised it,it will not be a dream anymore. the beauty will be gone becos of ur own greed to make it come true.

U know some dreams are unattainable..is it not nice to 'look' and think of it and appreciating how beautiful it is becos it is simply unattainable? It is like looking at the stars in the night sky..so high up so bright n glittery yet so far and unreacheable. I dunno how to explain it but it is an accquired 'taste'. U can simply look and smile at it n appreciate the shear beauty of it.

Anyway, I finally gave my final notice of termination of service. I just need to get off, get off everything off my back, off my mind.

elow at 11:31 午後 | (0) comments


日曜日, 6月 11, 2006

[dead tired and brain dead]

Cannot believe I worked on Fri until I was so dead tired. I am so tired I simply could not do anything..much like a zombie.There are 1001 things to do, a few things cropped up and messed up. Everything seems to be urgent. Orders poured in..changes here and there. The marketing people want me to change the farking posters, farking catalogues..well that lcb brainess low taste bitch certainly know how to choose a good time..when I AM BUSIEST. The thing is making changes is fine..but making simple no brainer changes are changing a letter of a word? Is tthat too fucking hard to do ? If it is so fucking urgent, cant she/they just take the file from my folder and then do it?

Thus I sent them a long email stating, if they need any changes urgent or not, just go take my file and do whatever fuck they want. Simple changes need me to change for fuck? My other 2 colleagues are not stupid, that Malaysian bitch is. Want this want that, do herself lah..knnccb..smlj..She knows how to use the fucking prgm what, asked me for fuck? KNN.Then my boss is away again..things simply cant get messier.

Now the Jpns wanna go china factory visit, or more to do inspection for their cages..which is so complicated this time, if it is not complicated enough..best thing is, my boss can;t go, my manager can't go, my lady boss can't go..so final conclusion! I AM GOING THERE ALONE TO BRING THE JPNS ARD THE FACTORY! HURRAY!!!! I DUNNO EVEN KNOW WTF THE FACTORY IS AND I NEVER BEEN THERE!!! YAY!!!

I feel that I need a nongnong break..away from all these hustle bustle monotonous rat race.

elow at 11:27 午後 | (0) comments


火曜日, 6月 06, 2006

[reliving the past]

Recently, I seem to be 'reliving' the past. Been talking abt the past like NS days, when my dad was still alive etc. As unlikely as it may seem, I seem to be reminiscing the NS days..how slack it was, how it was like sleeping in the LAT office with fellow drivers and officer.haha..Of cos reliving the old days seem to bring back the unhappiness, the days of depression and fear and the shit. I dunno how to put it into words, it is a indescribable feeling.

Working in the current company somehow makes it like working in army. I dunno why I got this feeling and I dunno if this is a coincidence of the recent 'reliving' the past. Sometimes I am oke, work comes I do as much as I could to the best of my limits. Sometimes I just feel I cannot do anything or neither do I want to do anything. Sometimes I feel normal, feeling relieved I have a job. I feel 'useful', of some value to someone, somewhere. Sometimes I just could not pick up the momentum to do anything. I just want out. I just want to be out, back to my room, hiding in front of my computer, wasting my time away and not thinking of anything else.

Well it happened, this morning. It is EXACTLY like NS, during the dark days. Hiding at home, I will talk to myself, laugh hysterically and imagine people are plotting against me. I fear neighbours will see me at home, wondering why I am not working. When I go out for lunch, I fear my neighbours will see me too. When I go up the bus, I will sense people are looking at me, wondering why a 26 yr old man is not working. When I come back,I will look ard to see if any one sees me unlocking my front gate. When I get into my flat, I will close the wooden door and laugh to myself, that now they cannot see me and point my finger to the door and laugh at 'them'.

Honestly, it is so tiring trying to wrestle between the 2. I dunno who is who, which is which. The only thing which can bring me to my 'senses' is food, games and when I am chatting with people. I know working helps too to help suppress the other entity too. While watching X-Men III on Sat, Prof Xavier said Jean Grey has another 'her' locked inside her, I couldn't feel more adequate to know how that exactly feels. Sometimes when this other thing start to work its thing, it is like today. It is always a constant struggle between the 2. haha.

I just hate it when it happens. And I wonder how some hyprocrital peasants will think of me if they see this entry. U know, I know some hyprocrites from FP. Some whom I even used to regard as 'good' pals only to know that Im simply some dirt in their eyes. HA! Yeah as if I care. I dun care, may u all burn in hell for eternity. hehe.

Despondent singlehood is good. Ultimate way of life.

elow at 12:25 午前 | (0) comments


土曜日, 6月 03, 2006

[X-Men III-The Last (kkj) Stands]

Finally watched X-MEN III with an old friend this hot afternoon. Yeah literally fucking hot afternoon. The sky is a bright clear blue and the sun is scorching the ground mercilessly. Hmm the movie is much shorter than I thought. It is good no doubt but not as impressive or anticipating as X II.

Personally I find an odd aftertaste on how they portray Phoenix in the movie. The first part where Jean emerged from the lake seems more authentic (the bright light and everything) then the rest is somewhat odd becos it shows her having dark veins and dark eyes,esp the part where she kissed Cyclops, she seems to be absorbing his powers more than anything else. The battle @ the end is rather short-lived. I would love to see Wolverine tearing up more mutants.

Anyway it is good to see more mutants like Juggernaut one of the most powerful mutants, Angel, Colossus. What I dun really like is to see some mutants whom I dun really have any impression on such as Arclight and the other tua neh neh Calisto? Magneto is still too skinny.That gay cock Gandalf actually expressed his wish for some gay sex with Xavier in X III. WTF. Also I dunno why super mutants like Storm can get thwarted by minors like Calisto..Storm is one of the mosttttt powerful mutants ever. Her powers are immense! Too bad she dun get as much coverage as Jean.

Also I dunno why they need to have Xavier, Jean and Cyclops 'killed' in the end. These 3 are 3 of the main characters in X-Men! Anyway, if anyone watched the end after the credits, we know the Xavier is not really dead.hahaha..Jean will not die just like that..and Cyclops one of the main characters and a leader in the team, how can he die? I hope to see Acapolypse and Sentinels in (hopefully) the 4th installation of X-Men.

Work was rather hectic for the past wk. Have been OT-ing since Tues til Thurs..ahha..sounds short but im not the type who like to OT.Honestly, I dunno why some people like to OT when they are not even paid for it. Ok I will rant some abt work.

I have been working on some poster designs and catalogue designs for my company's event in Belgium.Oke so i did the catalogue front design using a nice blue picture of a sea with a fishing rod at the right, everything looks nice cos the pic is nice. I had no concerns abt how the pic look until one fucking lcb Malaysian idiot came back from her study break.

She and a few of the marketing executives 'stormed' to my desk. Apparently, the other 2 colleagues followed her only la. She commented, "How come the waves look like tat on the picture? Looks so unnatural, can make it more natural?" I was like WTF?! ! What the fucking hell is "How come the waves look like that?" and "can I make it look more natural?"

Is she a cock? No, she is not cos she dun have one, obviously. But she is a brainless thwart. How in the world will I know how come waves look like that? Im not god! HOW WOULD I KNOW? HOW CAN I MAKE IT MORE "NATURAL'? Wah lao, if u look at that stupid face when she asked that farking equally dumb qns,u will feel like slapping her. Then I railed "how will I know how come the waves look like that? Cos the pic is taken like that lah!" Did her brains all go into her boobs or something?

Then ytd, she asked me to change the pic of that 'unnatural waves' pic. Ok, fine I said. Then she go print out for me some pics she chose frm the new color laserjet. Wah lao so waste toner!!! those pics are fucking low res for an A4 print and she wanna use them for CATALOGUE????? She was also doing some label design (with my template) for a new label. then she emailed us and asked for comments.

When I looked at it, I thought I saw something wrong.Cos there was some ugly strokes behind the label text. I even thought there was something with my monitor. But eventually realised it was not. So I emailed her back telling her my opinions. Guess what she said "oh those are supposed to be high lighter effect to enhance the text and to attract more attention. WAH LAN EH..those strokes look more like a mistake of accidental erasing the background than some fucking high lighter effects LEH!!!! WHY SOME PEOPLE SIMPLY DUN HAVE A BASIC SENSE OF ASTHETICS!!!?!?! WAH STILL WANNA DO DESIGN SOMEMORE LEH!



Ok, found this nice MV from Jolin...it;s sizziling~!

elow at 10:49 午後 | (0) comments


[Me]
Johann Low,Male.

[I Love]
God, church of our saviour, food,animation,photography,games, Jpn culture, pretty gals, high-tech gadgets, comics, Gundam models, layered hair, plucked eyebrows, mascara, blusher, Mika Nakashima,Ayumi Hamasaki, Namie Amuro, Sun Yanzi, Jay Chou, David Tao, Faye Wong, F.I.R, Flowerpod, Yoon Eun Hye,Fiona Xie, Lin Zhi Ling, Yoon Eun Hye

[I Abhore]
hypocrisy, injustice, shallowness, materialism, lies. [Past Entries]
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