Johann Low

火曜日, 6月 29, 2004

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This is gonna be some old ramblings abt church,Singapore and other stuff if I am awake enough to jot everything down.

I stopped going to church since yr 2002. I remembered I attended the X Mas event in 2001 but during that period it was the onset of my backsliding. The reason is pretty much the same as everyone else's. Often when a new believer comes in, he/she wil be treated well especially. Over the time, things will get waned down. What irked me most was I did not see the things that were supposed to be done by the so-called leaders of a cell group. A recent email further proved this. I somehow managed to get back some of my ex cg's email address and I simply emailed them back asking how they are now as a gesture of good will. Well none replied. This was the same thing which happened after I stopped attending service and CG(cell grp) meetings. They probably blocked my address.

So I concluded, church going is simply a folly. There is no point in building up a rapport with ur church mates - so called fellow brothers and sisters in the holy name of God. Why ? They dun care,simply put. They are all the same, selfish,self centered,self conceited. I dun care what personal,work problems you face(referring to the leader),YOU are the leader,YOU are supposed to take care of your members. Most, I believed are just going through the motions. I emailed my ex cg leader and other members so many times, who actually replied ? At least, the leader did not. Leader,yeah right. The same goes for sms-ing them. They did not bother. The only thing that one can depend in this world is money. Spiritual wise, God. A fallen "brother" is reckoned as a condemned fugitive to the eyes of my ex CG leader, a hopeless case.

Well sometimes I still feel God still speaks to me in His Way.

Singapore can boast its "superior" infrastructure as a lure for foreign investments no more. Why ? Cos basic infrastructure like true good broadband internet access is not even a norm for the average consumer. Thanks to a bunch of old,backward and technophobic peasants in the IDA. Singapore internet speed (commercially viable) is at least 10 times and more, slower than countries like Sweden,Japan,Korea India and China. Fastest available access speed is 3mbps whichis often market as 3000kbps to the local peasants. In countries like those I mentioned above, they are getting speeds like 45mbps or for the sake of any peasants who might be reading this, 45 000 kbps.(3 zeroes) Of cos, there are higher bandwidth available like 100mbps, or 100 000kbps. The same thing for 3G, IDA is taking its own sweet time into implementing this network into SG. Why is IDA so slow in technology ? Even Shanghai has 10mbps.

Singapore is losing its foothold as a IT hub. Hub my foot, when internet access is slower than China's !!!

Zhong Hua Ming Guo Banzai. haha..

中華民国万歳！！！！

elow at 2:02 午前 | (0) comments

木曜日, 6月 24, 2004

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Are most Singaporeans afraid of voicing out their own opinions ? I think there was a Channel U program about this topic. Most Singaporeans are afraid to speak up,fearing the government or other bodies or organisations might sue them for talking too boldly or something. Prior to my previous entry which was seriously edited, one of my friend told me there was nothing wrong in simply voicing out your own opinions. There is a difference between defaming and speaking out your thoughts. Defaming is when you actually specifically annouce the person's name in your whatever, saying he/she did this or that which might be true or vice versa.

However, if one is simply saying a particular organisation or company,the "accused" organisation cannot do anything !! Tons of people complain abt PAP,can PAP sue them for complaining ? Unless this person actually named a minister, saying Mr so-and-so did this blah blah...then it is considered as defaming.

I realised most Singaporeans are living in wells. Most do not know what legal rights they have or have not. They are too cushioned in an enviroment set up by the government. Well, i got some acts of kind gestures when I actually emailed what I felt abt my ex-company's management to some of my friends. One closed friend rebuked me in his email stating "dumb,irrational,you are in deep trouble,it irks him to have a friend like me", another was a kind warning that the company take legal action. When I encountered such response, I was thinking, "do i not have any fucking rights to voice out my own opinion ?"

Most Singaporeans are afraid of trouble,that's anyone can see the often reocurring acts of inconsiderness all over this island. Most people cram themselves near the exits because they are afriad to say "excuse me" or shove themselves out or some are afraid to step out as they might not be able to get themselves in again. Most people will not really help the needy because they are afraid helping them will take up too much of their time. How many working adults will help a visually handicapped person out of a train station if they happen not to be alighting of the same station ? Most or even me will tell themselves " oh im gonna be late for work, my manager will screw me for being late and telling him/her that I was helping someone will not work" for an excuse.

I wonder how many peasants watch documentories? Most will soak themselves in noisy drama like "Xi Ling Men" where Xiang Yun will PMS everyday,yelling yelling,shrieking. Yelling seems to be a trend setter for award winning TV dramas of recent. Think holland V, that obnoxious Tian Da Hua was very noisy and irritating. So every producer will want noisy scripts where the actors or actresses will be angry,pissed out,blowing their tops for like 3/4 of the entire drama. I am wondering if anyone who just reached home and tired will wanna hear this din coming out from the box in their living room.

Maybe most people will not know, Singapore is at least 10 years behind the most developed countries in Asia,10 years behind countries like Japan (obviously) and Korea. The entire Japan is optical fabrically connected. 45mbps internet access is a normality. Singapore ? Fastest is 3mpbs. Most probably think in kilobits per second - kbps. Singet is promoting their 1500kbps ADSL dedicated access. Local peasants will think " WAAAAAH 1500KBPS LEH !!!!!! DEDICATED LEH !!!!!! ADSL LEH !!!!!" Well they dunno other countries are using 45 000kbps at least. 1500 or 45 000 ? which is faster ?

Singapore infrastructure is falling behind times at least in terms of interner connectivity. I think even China has better infrastructure and cost (of course) than us.

elow at 11:08 午後 | (0) comments

水曜日, 6月 23, 2004

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One of my ex-colleague just left. When I knew the real reason behind his resignation, I was quite shocked.

The management are asking the old-timers if they are happy with the re-organisation (since April) and if they wanna leave. No, the management is not so kind-hearted to think of the their subordinates' welfare ( there are none anyway.) The management is fucking shrewd, they purposely made the re-organisation unbearable for most old-timers. Well, most of the old-timers are getting a salary of at least 1.8K per month. The management is "forcing" the old timers to leave because they are commanding a higher salary !!!! They dun care what fuck contribution u have made in the past to the company, they dun care how many students u have brought in with ur glib tongue, effort and such. If u are commanding a higher salary, the management will be very happy if u leave.

If those old-timers leave, then they can hire naive fresh Uni grads for 1.6K a month !! 1.6K for a Degree holder is way too low. This is the market rate pay for a diploma holder.

So there u go.

elow at 7:15 午後 | (0) comments

日曜日, 6月 20, 2004

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Its almost coming to a month being jobless at home. Finally went to the interview which I deferred it because I was having low-esteem/bouts of depression. The lady whom I thought was a Caucasian was actually an Asian ! She spoke with such a natural Caucasian accent that I thought she might be one. The interview was oke,as in just "oke". Its the type which you know you will not get the job. I applied for an admin post but I was offered something which was related to my studies. She even asked me to comment on the brochure which was made by their company's designer which was stationed in China. This company has office in shanghai and Malaysia and now they are opening a new office in Singapore somewhere in Robinson Road.

For the past week or so I was kept busy with making Gundam model. This was the one which i bought before last Christmas. I was doing it on and off, on and off thus it took this long to complete it. There were SO many parts. At least doing something at home helped me to keep my sanity at a acceptable level. I stopped my "Prozac Nation" for awhile,wondering if this will help keep me from getting flashbacks of my dark periods. Its quite a chore to keep sane these days.

I rewatched LOTR Trilogy DVDs twice. Mainly part one and 2. Somehow I prefer part one because it is much "greener" and brighter and more optimistic in a sense. Part 2 and 3 had tonnes of action, special effects but also death,gray,evil,darkness - which somehow reminds me of the world today.

Speaking of it, I am wondering if the extremist muslims ever get sick of beheading Americans.

Local most talented director Jacky Neo has made just another movie. No, it is not "Bai liu li bai"(saturday and sunday) It is "Tu Ran Fa Cai"(Get rich suddenly) The opening is getting irritating when MRT stations are repeating it almost every 2 minutes and it sounded artificial which is the reason why it sounds so irritating. Well I cannot comment on it since I have not watched it,none the reason will I go watch it.

The Euro is here and ardent soccer fans are getting sleepless nights watching their favourite teams battling against other teams. I am no soccer fan as I do not see the "fun" in seeing a ball being kicked,dribbled over a soccer field. I think the kick of watching soccer is more of watching their favourite soccer star than anything else.

I was searching for a tennis racket damper and when I found it at sun plaza's sportsshop, I got a shock. For a tiny piece of plastic which you clip onto the racket's net, it is $6. There are 2 types,one is a long piece of thin plastic and the other is a small piece of plastic shaped like a tooth. $6 !!! Tennis balls are not cheap either. I somehow think tennis and golf are sports related to the upper society,they are more "elegant" sports wonder if anyone feels the same too.

Saw abit of "The simple life",starring P*ris Hilton and Ni*ole Richie. They are perfect living examples of the word BIMBO. They have all the money in the world,except for brains, all the guys they can sleep with but they got no sense of whatever is common sense to a normal person. While they are not the average person. They are filthy,obscenely,disgustingly rich. I think even Prince William will not be interested in these 2 things who only know Prada, LV, Gucci,eat,sleep,shop,fuck,makeup.

elow at 1:26 午前 | (0) comments

月曜日, 6月 14, 2004

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I dunno since when did this problem arose. I have this slight disability to make decisions and I am wondering why. Maybe its my lack of self-confidence which is so sublimable. Sometimes its there, sometimes its not. Though I believe most of the time, it is not. It's quite a chore deciding what to eat during lunch cos if i choose to eat mixed veg rice, I will feel that the chicken rice will taste better. Well, this is not that serious. Let's take choosing what drink to drink for example. I have a bottle of root beer and a bottle of grape juice. I will think which to drink cos I know both taste quite good, especially on a fcuking hot n humid evening like today. Then it happened - I CANNOT DECIDE !!!!

Ah well, I guess it's not that too big a problem yet or else I might seek my psychiatrist over this stupid problem again. Maybe I am too uptight about everything.

Had dinner at my GF's place earlier this evening. She was supposed to cook me a sumptous meal but in the end, I did most of the cooking. WHHAHAHA. Well I did volunteer. To me at least, a gal shld know how to cook and do housechores. How can a gal dunno how to cook !! Some of the more feminist prone readers might think " what a MCP !" No, i beg to differ. Knowing how to cook and do housechores dun mean she have to do them somewhere down the road with her ideal guy. Imagine a couple who dunno even know how to make a simple meal ( not instant stuff), dining or lunching out everyday is so boring. Homecook meals will always have some special "homeliness" feel to it. Meals in restaurants can be oh-so-yummy but then its all so commericial, so purposely made to make u crave for it. Homecook meals r different. Homecooked meals r heartwarming.

Speaking of home-cooked meals. How can one forget to mention home brewed soup. My late maternal Cantonese grandma made great Cantonese soup. Her soup during Chinese New Year is the best ! My mum also makes good soup. I really detested those ang moh canned soup. Those instant soup full of corn starch,flour,artificial flavourings,colors,aijinomoto,preservatives. I find them so yucky ! Real soup to me is only Chinese soup with herbs,chicken,duck or pork ribs. Not some concoction of starch and mushrooms and cream and ketchup.

Tio boh ?

elow at 12:38 午前 | (0) comments

日曜日, 6月 13, 2004

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Oke I guess I must admit, the previous entry was a little exaggerating. Well, that scenario is undeniably a possibilty. Been out of a job since 31st May. Got a few offers for interviews but the thing is, as long the interview is related to design field, I always feel so reluctant to go as I simply hate the fact those people will not appreciate my portfolio = rejection. It's quite a blow to my morale and often set me thinking if I can make a living outta my diploma.

Another thing is I'm so lazy. I know I need to touch up my portfolio but I dun. I want to self learn 3D software but everything I meet an obstacle in the tutorials I will simply give up. Giving up is simpler than you thought. I dun deny the fact that having too much ample time on my hands can be a good thing and bad. Now my daily schedule will be waking up at 10+, surf, eat, abit of TV, nap, eat, tv, surf, slp. There will be times when I will act as if I am out of my mind;talking to myself, thinking of this thinking of that.

During one of my darkest moments during this brief break from work, I almost slipped back into depression again. Well I think it could be alot worse than what I experienced b4. Something I called it as "The Black Wave", a description by Elizabeth Wurtzel of "Prozac Nation". It felt physical,emcompassing u from all directions,swallowing u up,devouring what's ever left of u. You will fall in this bottomless pit of self devouring, endless thoughts..a whirlpool of thoughts zipping in and out of ur head, like torrents of bullets blasting above you or rather, through u leaving a empty corpse.

Any one played "Prince of Tennis" on the PS2? Its an excellent game !!!!!

elow at 2:15 午前 | (0) comments

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Any one played "Prince of Tennis" on the PS2? Its an excellent game !!!!!

elow at 2:15 午前 | (0) comments

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Any one played "Prince of Tennis" on the PS2? Its an excellent game !!!!!

elow at 2:15 午前 | (0) comments

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Any one played "Prince of Tennis" on the PS2? Its an excellent game !!!!!

elow at 2:15 午前 | (0) comments

水曜日, 6月 09, 2004

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It's all happening again. This is what is happening to me now as it was last year around the same time.

1) My mum will come home each day nagging.

2) She will come home each day nagging about how the electricity bills are going up because I am at home using the PC and wasting electricity.

3) My mum will come home each day nagging.

4) She will come home each day nagging about how the electricity bills are going up because I am at home using the PC and wasting electricity.

I can be quietly doing my own thing such as watching TV or using the PC or making models or readind and she can go on and on and on like a monk's ritual chant over the same matter. Same like last year, my reply to her when im really pissed off will be

" If u really wanna save up on electricity like having a $20 electrical bill each month, u might be better off if u jump down from the 8th floor now cos when u r DEAD, u will not use anything, any food, any water, any electricity "

How's that for an answer ?

These are her rules.

1) I cant on the lights at night when im using my pc cos this will waste alot of electricity.

2) I cannot on the fan while I am using the PC at the same time.

3) There can only be one light on at the same time cos if more than 2 lights are on, it will be wasting electricity.

4) I cannot drink more than one bottle of 1 litre of water a day cos if i do that, she will need to boil more water - use electric kettle = waste electricity.

5) If the TV is on, sound colume cannot be too loud cos higher volume will make the amplifier use more electricity.

She thinks the light emitting from my optical mouse is a waste of electricity and asks if I can turn it off. She also thinks the lights from my CPU and speaker's controls are a waste of electricity. She thinks if u plug any electrical device into any wall socket (not turning on the switch), u will be wasting electricity. She thinks using the phone will cost electrical bills to rise, same thing to the ring volume. She thinks charging my ipod, portable vacuum cleaner, mobile phone is a waste of electricity.

Ah well...

elow at 7:02 午後 | (0) comments

月曜日, 6月 07, 2004

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Just went for another wedding dinner. My 2nd since my gf's sis's wedding dinner last month. This time, it was at a restaurant in Takashimaya.It's my mum's uncle's son wedding dinner. He wedded a Thai lady. But thankfully, the entire dinner was not Thai. My mum and I were supposed to wait for my uncle and his family. It was never my policy to be late,be it for dinner, appointment with friends,interviews. My uncle and his family was late and I was not too pleased with it cos it's so rude to be late for a dinner esp wedding dinner !! just knew my this uncle was recently retrenched and his wife dun even wanna work when his 2 children were old enough to take care of themselves. Well my other "more highly educated" aunt and uncle were at least more punctual.

The food was oke (again) but there were 2 dance performances put up on courtesy from the girl's family which somehow revealed that she comes from a quite well to do family. The fried shrimps with wheat/oatmeal was good and so was the yifu fried noodles. The shark's fin was a little bland. The steamed fish was quite tasty too and I drank quite a bit of the gravy which was mainly soy sauce. HAHA..

I just realised nowadays, no matter where any wedding dinner was held, the opening will be all lights dimmed,techno or dance music on and the dishes will be served with a stream of waiters and waitresses carrying out the 1st dish with candle lights. It was an eye opener for me when i experienced such "opening" for the 1st time at my cousin's wedding back in 1996 but now it is like every restaurant is doing it.

One thing at the dinner was I realised I knew none of my relatives there. Not surprising cos they are mostly my mum's cousins. I simply went there to fill up a seat and to enjoy delicacies, that's all. I am such a pig. HWHAHAHAHA. Eating to me is an enjoyment. I love to eat. I prefer to eat something good than to spend thousands or hundreds on a piece of fabric or leather with some designer's name on it. To me a piece of cotten is, no matter what a piece of cotton, same thing to leather. I dun think wearing a Prada T-shirt will make u bullet proof nor will it make you look like Takeshi Kaneshiro.

If someone wanna wear designer's labels, he/she must be able to bring out the feel of class out from the piece of fabric. A $500 Prada shirt will look different on Kaneshiro Takeshi compared to the same thing being worn by anyone from Jacky Neo cast. A genuine $8000 LV limited edition handbag will look like an imitation from pasar malam when being used by Liang Xi Mei or any local peasant aunty, vice versa when an imitation will look like the real McCoy when being used by someone like Zhang Zi Yi, Fann Wong, Zoe Tay, Wang Biren, Fiona Xie,Mika Nakashima,ayumi hamasaki,namie amuro ?

Get the idea ?

elow at 12:47 午前 | (0) comments

土曜日, 6月 05, 2004

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I'm so afraid of falling back to depression now that I am jobless at home. The fact that I have much free time on my hands is risky as I might slip into a black wave of insanity,paranoia,self-worthlessness. Now that i realised the other importance of having a job; that is to keep myself occupied and not let my mind slip into an oblivion of self denial,self hatred.

I was having those "things" in my head again last night and I did not enjoy it one moment. Surprisingly, I found myself reading Biblical materials online and that certainly help. Well its been sometime since i read anything Biblical and I have slipped myself so far away. Still I believe in God but then things are so different and yet so similar now. Im seriously thinking if I shld go back to my pychiatrist again. I feel I am going nuts !!!!

I dunno if I can be happy anymore. I dislike Christians whenever I see them so happy. What are they so happy for ?? For whatever reason shld they be so joyful about when this world is so fuckedup ?! What's the point of living when the end of all things is simply death? I dun see any reason to be happy about.

--feeling much better--:)

elow at 1:18 午前 | (0) comments

火曜日, 6月 01, 2004

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yay im jobless slacking at home, same scenario as last year same time same place. I nv go to the designer interview again, fear of rejection. i hate having low esteem.

elow at 1:58 午後 | (0) comments