Johann Low

火曜日, 6月 06, 2006

[reliving the past]

Recently, I seem to be 'reliving' the past. Been talking abt the past like NS days, when my dad was still alive etc. As unlikely as it may seem, I seem to be reminiscing the NS days..how slack it was, how it was like sleeping in the LAT office with fellow drivers and officer.haha..Of cos reliving the old days seem to bring back the unhappiness, the days of depression and fear and the shit. I dunno how to put it into words, it is a indescribable feeling.

Working in the current company somehow makes it like working in army. I dunno why I got this feeling and I dunno if this is a coincidence of the recent 'reliving' the past. Sometimes I am oke, work comes I do as much as I could to the best of my limits. Sometimes I just feel I cannot do anything or neither do I want to do anything. Sometimes I feel normal, feeling relieved I have a job. I feel 'useful', of some value to someone, somewhere. Sometimes I just could not pick up the momentum to do anything. I just want out. I just want to be out, back to my room, hiding in front of my computer, wasting my time away and not thinking of anything else.

Well it happened, this morning. It is EXACTLY like NS, during the dark days. Hiding at home, I will talk to myself, laugh hysterically and imagine people are plotting against me. I fear neighbours will see me at home, wondering why I am not working. When I go out for lunch, I fear my neighbours will see me too. When I go up the bus, I will sense people are looking at me, wondering why a 26 yr old man is not working. When I come back,I will look ard to see if any one sees me unlocking my front gate. When I get into my flat, I will close the wooden door and laugh to myself, that now they cannot see me and point my finger to the door and laugh at 'them'.

Honestly, it is so tiring trying to wrestle between the 2. I dunno who is who, which is which. The only thing which can bring me to my 'senses' is food, games and when I am chatting with people. I know working helps too to help suppress the other entity too. While watching X-Men III on Sat, Prof Xavier said Jean Grey has another 'her' locked inside her, I couldn't feel more adequate to know how that exactly feels. Sometimes when this other thing start to work its thing, it is like today. It is always a constant struggle between the 2. haha.

I just hate it when it happens. And I wonder how some hyprocrital peasants will think of me if they see this entry. U know, I know some hyprocrites from FP. Some whom I even used to regard as 'good' pals only to know that Im simply some dirt in their eyes. HA! Yeah as if I care. I dun care, may u all burn in hell for eternity. hehe.

Despondent singlehood is good. Ultimate way of life.

elow at 12:25 午前 |

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