Johann Low

日曜日, 9月 30, 2007

[the bbq @ chalet]

A company's dinner became a chalet/bbq event. Anyway I went down and I was too early, no one's here except my boss who was watching tv there haha...After waiting for ard 1 hr, my colleagues who went to get the food came and along they really brought ALOT of food, a big bag of sambal stingrays (yummy), 5- packets of chicken wings (which were too soft, eeew), shrimps, squids (disgustingly soft), satays (which were frozen and thawed over the fire), 1 big tray of fried beehoon (yummy), fried rice(nv tried), some Malay kuehs, some drinks and a belated BD cake.

As my colleagues came with their family members, spouses and gfs, I could not help but feel so alienated. The sense of lonliness crept up like a thin sheet of adhesive film from behind and of cos wrapping me. A part of ah mei's new song described this feeling well, ...'in the midst of crowds, I could not help but feel more lonely', iirc. The only thing which can distract this feeling was the bbq-ing, I was practically fanning the 2 pits furiously hahaha, it was fun to see fire rise among the red hot charcoals. Anyway it resulted in me to reek of smoke,oil and soot.

Things ended ard 10+ where most of them were going back, managed to get a free ride from a colleague. Did not feel like going home so I wondered off for awhile.

ook, should i get the ipod touch this month to replace my 3 yr old 3G ipod? To get the one @ iShop where they are giving away a free headphone + gmask voucher or the shop selling it @ $480 in simlim? zzz...and the weekends have ended, again.

elow at 11:29 午後 | (0) comments

日曜日, 9月 23, 2007

[home alone]

The mind is settling well, not as bad as I thought. As always, I tend to get over things fast. Then came a thought, am I really getting over or just sweeping them under the carpet? *shrugs*

Mum went Taiwan this thursday with my aunt. Sent her off in the morning. Hmm since a long time I been to Changi Airport, the last time was in Feb when I was going to chinkland? Nothing's changed tho except for the building T3.

Coping well better than I thought, perhaps the only difference is no breakfast and no homecooked dinner. Dining out is fine but hawker food is usually oily (I dun like fish soup stuff eee) and of cos not as healthy and economical than homecooked meals. Not to say, nothing beats home cooked meals! Work is of cos keeping me upbeat and relatively sane. Certain things still remain more or less the same. Those bouts of uneasiness among crowds (those stupid thoughts as mentioned in my earlier posts) still swell at times.

I rem vaguely, I almost broke down while walking alone in bugis or where was I, on the bus? haha. I dunno what happened then but it just came like that. It was just a 'feeling' of being alienated among the crowds. And I so like this song 'OK' by Zhang Zhen Yue:

生命之中有多少经历
还值得细细回忆
尤其是感情那些刻骨铭心的回忆
好多年都不曾忘记
我们都在寻找真爱
花钱也不能买
但是你问我什么是爱
它没有正确答案
只能凭感觉
在人海里寻找所谓的爱
有人随便玩玩
有人拼了老命在玩
有人一辈子没有伴
过著东奔西跑的日子
来到不熟悉的城市特别容易孤寂
想著挥之不去的问题
尤其面对自己总是没有头绪
感情和个人的平衡点常常失去重心
放手上风一吹就会掉下去
有时却想放弃
摇摇欲坠其实最自私是自己

我可不想装的很可悲
好让人家来给我安慰
这一段时间我很ok
顶多如有时候早早睡
当然还是有一些小小的寂寞在身边
寂寞很ok 一个人ok 习惯就ok
寂寞很ok 一个人ok 习惯就ok

走一步算一步
寻寻觅觅当你遇到一个喜欢的人
却不想在一起
也许只想一夜情而已
放了真感情却害怕自由会失去
这世界上只有两种人
男人和女人
每天上演同样的剧情
谁又爱上谁谁又背叛谁谁又伤了谁
乐此不疲的表演好累
但是没有人能够脱离再翻离
谁可以跨越出去
结果因人而异
有的信守终生有的继续等
有的干脆剃度
永远不再过问
这红尘滚滚心中是否沸腾
还有多少时间值得继续等
曲终人散走在陌生的街上
剩我一个人唱

我可不想装的很可悲
好让人家来给我安慰
这一段时间我很ok
顶多如有时候早早睡
当然还是有一些小小的寂寞在身边
寂寞很ok 一个人ok 习惯就ok

爱情面貌我是不了解
却把自己搞的很狼狈
有一段时间我不ok
把灵魂混在黑暗里面
当然还是有一些小小的痛苦在身边
寂寞很ok 一个人ok 习惯就ok
寂寞很ok 一个人ok 习惯就ok

elow at 1:45 午前 | (0) comments

月曜日, 9月 17, 2007

[the root]

i think this came as a surprise for me. It suddenly dawned upon me that the root or cause of my behaviour/thoughts recently (ever since 2 yrs ago) is finding acceptance. A nice friend said (IIRC), 'You seem tired in the spirit, always seeking acceptance' This word 'acceptance' somewhat seep slowly and deeply, causing me to realise the root of my problems; seeking acceptance. It also made me realise I am still very much human and as being gregarious creatures, we homo sapiens seek accpetance or at least most of us do.

Is this a reflection of an empty state of mind? A body like very much without a soul, hollow and empty, seeking companion, seeking acceptance. To seek out that someone special,friends,family as part of a community, as part of realising one's existence? Like it takes 2 hands to clap, does this mean it also takes more than just or 2 persons to realise one's existence in this plane?

I think it is kinda ironic, there are billions of people in this world, yet among this vast ocean of people, people can feel lonely, some doubt their existence yet they are existing. As the world gets smaller with better communication technologies and facilities, i wonder the invisible distance btwn minds will increase.

For my case, it seems rather drastic;

1) I feel people dun like me or find me irksome or mayb im too smelly or too ugly too fat if they dun sit besides me (empty seat) on the mrt/bus.
2) I feel people look at me in a strange way, maybe I too fat and ugly? too comical?
3) I feel inferior to people who have better complexion, dress better, taller, more intelligent,earns more than me.
4) I keep convincing myself that I have nothing, no looks, no money, no character, no brains.
5) I keep telling myself, that in this world, only God, mum and prob my ex can accept me for who I am. The rest prb find me too weird, too abnormal and too ugly?

Best thing is, now that I know e roots of the problem, I dunno or maybe I dun want to solve it.

elow at 12:18 午前 | (1) comments

日曜日, 9月 09, 2007

[bad memory]

gah...cant believe a small glass of volka orange can make me sleepless and it is like 6.09am!!!

i think i really have a bad memory (so said my boss hahahaha).

I did a quite an in-depth self realization (no, its not self pity) sometime back last yr or rather a self analysis. Can't believe I have put that all at the back of my head. Those were ample reasons already! (ample reasons for some qualities only myself will know and perhaps God will know too) to stop wishing or believing for things that I have lost and that it can never happen again. How can I simply forget all those things that I should know? Haha, guess sometime I need a good jock on my head to make me remember that so important self realisation.

A good guy friend helped me to continue one of my fave lines (besides the "There is no spoon") in Martix " Everything that has an beginning had an end", he said "Everything that has ended, has a beginning" wah lao win liao loh...im stumped. -_- But I think it is a nice encouragement or something.

Things will be better once the waves or ripples r calmed and the very very very (to the power of infinity) fragile most inner 'being' is sealed inside once more. Um.

elow at 6:08 午前 | (0) comments

[=D]

I know i have been silly but it is good then things have come to a good truth and ending. Guess it did not hurt as much as before? hmmm...

Hope things will be back to the same old same old me. =)

Probably in God's plans. Thank U.

elow at 3:15 午前 | (0) comments

日曜日, 9月 02, 2007

[facets]

It is a very hot and humid night despite the rather cool evening. Soft music is pouring from my living room, playing easy listening tunes from GOLD 90.5FM.

The heart which was paved up and sealed was somewhat stirred after the owner decided to take a step forward to open it again. As he tries to open it up, exposing the most inner and true (and vulnerable) self, he does wonder what will he feel if things dun go right this time, will he seal it up for good? hahaha..

Recently he is experiencing feelings which he has not been experiencing since 2005. Such feelings invoke some ugly,selfish and downright childish behaviour of him, something which he detest but at times really can't control himself. As such, it is pretty amazing how many facets can a person's character be. Good or bad, how can u judge? I believe there is a dominating side of a person's goodness and whatever is not and whatever is in between.

Then again, there are people who are deemed incorrigible, some people just irk people so much hahaha..as experienced by a few online friends who met some gal with a loose nut.

elow at 11:49 午後 | (0) comments