Johann Low

月曜日, 9月 17, 2007

[the root]

i think this came as a surprise for me. It suddenly dawned upon me that the root or cause of my behaviour/thoughts recently (ever since 2 yrs ago) is finding acceptance. A nice friend said (IIRC), 'You seem tired in the spirit, always seeking acceptance' This word 'acceptance' somewhat seep slowly and deeply, causing me to realise the root of my problems; seeking acceptance. It also made me realise I am still very much human and as being gregarious creatures, we homo sapiens seek accpetance or at least most of us do.

Is this a reflection of an empty state of mind? A body like very much without a soul, hollow and empty, seeking companion, seeking acceptance. To seek out that someone special,friends,family as part of a community, as part of realising one's existence? Like it takes 2 hands to clap, does this mean it also takes more than just or 2 persons to realise one's existence in this plane?

I think it is kinda ironic, there are billions of people in this world, yet among this vast ocean of people, people can feel lonely, some doubt their existence yet they are existing. As the world gets smaller with better communication technologies and facilities, i wonder the invisible distance btwn minds will increase.

For my case, it seems rather drastic;

1) I feel people dun like me or find me irksome or mayb im too smelly or too ugly too fat if they dun sit besides me (empty seat) on the mrt/bus.
2) I feel people look at me in a strange way, maybe I too fat and ugly? too comical?
3) I feel inferior to people who have better complexion, dress better, taller, more intelligent,earns more than me.
4) I keep convincing myself that I have nothing, no looks, no money, no character, no brains.
5) I keep telling myself, that in this world, only God, mum and prob my ex can accept me for who I am. The rest prb find me too weird, too abnormal and too ugly?

Best thing is, now that I know e roots of the problem, I dunno or maybe I dun want to solve it.

elow at 12:18 午前 |

Comments:

With regards to ur point 3, usually people would kinda envy and somehow leads to some inferiority. probably its common in my POV. me too also like that.. :( but ...to link to point 4, u where got nutting.. + u not tat "brainless" ma. u noe quite alot of tings wat. each has his own knowledge is master field. :)

# posted by

eB : 5:11 午前

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