Johann Low

火曜日, 11月 27, 2007

[tumbles]

all it took was such a small event which is totally insignificant to render me dead for the whole of yesterday and more days to come. I believe it is not even worth mentioning, i know possibly it is just another passing phase and of cos the first few days will be hard. What irks me most if what I felt, same like a recent event, I have become someone whom I always depise and have warned people about. Paranoia...and what is paranoia? from my new OS X Leopard built in dictionary (which now comes with Jpn-Eng, Eng-Jpn and many more)

Paranoia means:
a mental condition characterized by delusions of persecution, unwarranted jealousy, or exaggerated self-importance, typically elaborated into an organized system. It may be an aspect of chronic personality disorder, of drug abuse, or of a serious condition such as schizophrenia in which the person loses touch with reality.
• suspicion and mistrust of people or their actions without evidence or justification

I have no idea what made me this way. I really dunno and I really detest/abhor this feeling which is not supposed to be. Why, how and when? I really cannot fathom. A rather meaningful talk with a nice Christian sis gave me some insights. I guess the roots of the problems run deep, deep from my childhood and probably what I went through during teenage/poly and NS period. Yeah the roots are deep and widespread. Apparently my previous church did nothing much to help but only to add more fuel to the fire, thanks to some incompetent leaders.

Anyway back to myself, I guess the symptoms were already there. Just that I have been laughing it off. The random self justification of this and that, the feeling of being entirely solitude in this world, the self assurance that being alone is ok, the indulgence in buying and eating, the self imposed prison on weekends. My life revolves around my work and nothing else. Everything is so dry, so cold, so de-voided of life, meaning, feeling. Friends who seem to near yet so far. A home that seems to be there and not. Everything is gray, flat, tasteless, odourless, colorless. Yeah total solitude. I wonder if med can help me on this.

Anyone felt this way too?

elow at 11:29 午後 |

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