Johann Low

月曜日, 6月 11, 2007

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I love Fridays because it signifies the weekend is coming and weekends mean sleeping longer than usual with no worries and cares and needless to bother with work, ur superiors's ljcb face. As of Fridays, I try not to go home early. I walked ard aimlessly Bugis area on a Friday night where the streets were filled with people, working class, students, couples. EVERYONE seem to hit the streets, maybe some out for a movie, dinner, dates.

As I walked the streets littered with people,lights,sounds,smells. I could not help but feel so alienated. I could almost see the world twirling around me with all the lights going round and round and round. I tried very hard to sieve out for people who were alone by themselves, like I am. But all my eyes could pick up were people WITH people, people with friends, people with their loved ones, people jestering, laughing, holding hands in hands, whispering into each other's ears. The more I look, the more alienated I was. I feel ashamed, ashamed that I was alone, I felt dirty and abnormal that, I had no one with me. I boarded the bus home. As I picked an empty seat somewhere near the back, I saw several couples coming up the bus. I wanted to let them have my seat so that they can sit together but somehow my butt refused to. That feeling of alienation swelled up again.

I wondered, why no one wanna sit with me? There IS an EMPTY seat!!! SEATS!!! AINT PEOPLE DYING FOR SEATS IN BUSES AND MRTS!? I thought, maybe I look weird..or strange..or maybe I am too dirty? Only when people sat besides me, do I feel 'relieved'. Later in the night. I wanted to talk to someone but there was no one. I tried to have some form of human contact with someone, anyone...but...there seems to be no one? Friends are busy with their games, gfs, etc. Some are tired after work and I do not want to be some hassle over my own weakness. There is so much of 'nothingness' inside that I wanted to break down and let go of everything, of everything in the world but I REALLY can't and I DO NOT KNOW WHY.

Saturday, well felt whee bit better. Still, the feeling was on and off. I was worried that I might just let go of everything and go nuts. I am glad I stil manage to hold on to something. YET, there was no one I can call to.

And there is Sunday....and a long long week ahead.

Depression is back after lying dormant for sometime. Will there be an aftermath?

elow at 12:40 午前 |

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