honestly i dunno what title shld i put..im wondering the impact of a failed r/s and the impact of a futile attempt to fill up that 'x' void which was occupied for 3yrs and 1 month. so I supposed, when it ended, the vaccum was 'lifted' and as what u can see in movies, things start getting messy,topsy turvy,swirling when there's a vacuum and it is trying to 'fill up' on its own. A vaccum is an abnormality in this physical world, perhaps it is same psychologically as well?

I think I am totally messed up right now. I am acting so 'un-myself' or maybe this is so 'myself'? i dun even know. Many things does not seem to bother me anymore. 'If it is like this, then so be it loh~' mindset. There are so many things I cannot change, so what's the point? Lights fascinate me, I can stare aimlessly at nice ceiling star lights for hours, letting them leave 'burnt' images in my retina like unwashable imprints of my past and even present. Like these:

Ah whatever. As if i care, as if u care, as if anyone cares. Like this song playing on the radio '....all by myself,dun wanan be all myself anymore, all by myself, dun wanna live all myself...anymore...how can u be sure..., love seems so distant and obscure'

Does anything matter anymore? No, nothing. Not u, me,anyone, this world.

Oh my boss might be flying to Sapporo in March or late Feb, wonder if I get to tag along? hehehehe. I guess there's a good reason why i like chilly weather, cos it is very numbing, at least to my face. eye shadows anyone? :X